That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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