dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
