Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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