I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
