it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
