so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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