I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
