I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
