It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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