We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
