please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
