I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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