His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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