Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
