every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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