I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
