hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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