obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
