I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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