First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
