i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
