just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
