bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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