The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
