Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
