She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
