I'm so fucking centered right now
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
im holly from the hills drunk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
