the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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