I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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