anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sext me about skeletons
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
