SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
