maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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