If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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