im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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