I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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