I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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