he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
