OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
