If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
