I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
