the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
