Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
