Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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