I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
