Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
