proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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