in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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