And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We had sex on a dog bed..
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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