Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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