***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
