Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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