I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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