And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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