he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
