I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
