Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
