The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
