there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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