she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize