It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I wear drunk well.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
