Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
