Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
