It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
