It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize