Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
